I have been keeping mindlessly busy with office. This project seemed as if life in Instructional Design and MNCs had come to a full circle. All the things that could go wrong went wrong. That too at the same time. From development cycle glitches with Subject Matter Experts to planning and process going haywire with delays to dealing with insecure, political colleague, everything just reared it’s ugly head in my inbox. So much so, that a few days back, I would be scared of checking mails. And with in all that, the amount of work to be completed in the stipulated time itself was huge.
I wasn’t the only one going through it. A senior colleague in the US team began to send stupid forwarded mails to make the rest of us smile and with comments like, ‘I am over the edge and can’t help sending this.’ When we had a discussion over emails, he suggested that either we could laugh, cry, or drink! So much for the team support. But honestly, he is a sweet chap. Such things, the smileys he sent, keep me going rather than the preachers who want to tell me the right way to do things or the politicians who want to impress me with how they control everything and they can be good/bad to me while I am the powerless one. At such times, I need support, I need help to deal with everything on my own, I don’t need anyone to tell me how good or bad I am.
In terms of work, I learnt how many process gaps this workplace has. In terms of people, I found who were the real friends and who posed to be friends in good times but were just looking for weaknesses that they could take advantage of.
Most of all, I learnt to find strength in smallest of things. I found strength in talking to autorickshaw drivers and in talking to my regular paani-puri supplier. All auto-rickshaw drivers told me how fucked up their life was because people like me refused to pay more than what their meter showed despite them taking the responsibility of taking me home safely at night. The paani-puri guy told me that it was his responsibility that I love his paani-puri and I should always tell him if on any given day I don’t like what he serves. I realized we are all the same. Responsible for giving results, dissatisfied with what we get and sometimes satisfied with what we get. And all of it does not matter. In two days time, we forget satisfactions as well as dissatisfactions and go back to fulfilling what the situation demands from us.
Still, this was the first time in three years that I won the battle of delivering to my utmost satisfaction, without any excuses, reasons, laziness, or losing my self-respect and becoming a pawn in the political games of other people. The only thing I lost was my sleep. But the dark circles I have right now, are only under my eyes. The ones beneath my soul had formed after years of compromising on my Course Designs just to deliver and keep everyone happy, after years of keeping myself hidden behind my own excuses of not being good enough, after years of sheer intellectual laziness, and after years of being non-committal in every thing I did. Those dark circles of my soul were cured with the salvation I got while fighting for what I felt was the best for this project. Though many a times, in a bid to bring more quality, i was about to make impractical choices that would have delayed the project further. Thankfully, with a little push from a senior, I could see that my choice would prove to be disastrous for the delivery schedule.
I hope to write more about it sometime. Right now, I can’t believe it myself that I am just another night away from deployment. I have been too happy too soon many a times in this project, only to find a spoiler email at the last moment. I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying everything goes alright now.