I won…

Life requested me to smile when I was so tense with not meeting deadlines that my face hurt if I moved a brow. Smile I did and life smiled back in the face of that strange-faced woman who was plucking the extra strands of hair on my upper lip with a thread.

Life asked me to take a nap when I was trying so hard to be a superwoman that my shoulders ached from the weight of the world. Boy! I took a nap and what a nap it was. I couldn’t open my eyes but my mind was counting thoughts, moments and results. Life calmed my mind with a song in the voice of a laborer painting my building from outside.

There is something in me beyond the pressure to be someone who would be good enough for a marriage, for a career, for earning money, for getting sex, for finding success.

That something comes to me only when I am willing to look beyond the pressure to fit in, the pressure to win a rat race and the pressure to live everything that is supposed to be right for everyone else.

Life has delivered a strange sermon through my body, told me not to be complacent, forced me to think about life and death too, and showed me how impermanent are those moments in which I run after attention and acceptance for the seemingly beautifully packaged body, trying to be thin, trying to ‘fit in’ when I really don’t.

Life told me not to take anything for granted, neither my weight nor my age, nor the few moments of peace I attain after a long, chaotic struggle.

Does life work in the most loving of ways yet the subtlest too? Or is it just me? Maybe I find love because I want to?

Maybe both, maybe neither, who cares? Not me! As long as I keep finding love and love keeps finding me, we are all good.

Deadlines are long dead, I have lost the rat race of this office, I have not lost weight, neither have I found a one relationship that would stay. Yet I smile as I write this, I don’t know why. Yet joy is flowing out of my eyes as I write it and I don’t know why.

I won something that I cannot put into words, I cannot explain to anyone and neither can I show some tangible result for it.

Yet I won and I know it.

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