I don’t know who you are… but…

…it’s coz’ of you that I believe in soulmates, that I know them to be true… and this is for you:)

What is it about waking up with you that is so attractive?
Is it the lure of a life unlived?
Or is it just another physical release?
Maybe it’s just another unmet need that got hooked in me somewhere deep?
Is it the desire to possess a body for one morning?
Or is it the fantasy of a mind that knows how powerful fulfilling a lust can make one feel?
Maybe it’s just another fleeting moment that will die its own death once fulfilled.

But then why don’t I feel the need to run to you or run away from you?
Why don’t I feel the need to attract or hold on?
Why am I at peace with you, with myself, with the world?
May be because I wake up with you already.

You are not a name or a body or even a mind.
You are the only uncomplicated truth I know to be true.
No hopes, no pain, no unmet needs, no mind-wrenching game,
You are the simplest of all silences I live.

You are the only way I would live,
Only if I would give my ego a little rest that is.
And just as I lost my ability to hold on or break away from you,
Maybe some day I will sleep away this ego and see the first light of this day in you.

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Just when…

Just when your arms spread for me at night,

Just when you held me tight,

Just when your warm breath touched the back of my neck,

Just when your fingers entwined with mine,

A thousand dreams were born…

 

Just when you looked at me from across the table,

Just when you got lost in your thoughts,

Just when you came back to reality and tickled my arm,

Just when you said nothing again,

A thousand promises were made…

 

Just when you pointed at an airplane flying above,

Just when you held my hand while walking together,

Just when you bored me with another of your childhood pranks,

Just when you asked me to make tea for you again,

A thousand vows were written…

 

Just when you said, Good Morning with your eyes still closed,

Just when you sneaked into my blanket while half-asleep,

Just when you called out my name before leaving for office,

Just when you came back home in the evening,

Every dream, every promise, every vow was fulfilled again…

Lovability and Lovingability on Valentine’s Day

I was living one more Valentine’s Day of my life easily yesterday. The advertisements talked about taking your partner for a plane ride that cost 30K for 30 minutes or taking them to a new restaurant in another country. The rose prices doubled and so did the rates of Coffee at a famous Coffee Lounge.

I was thinking if roses should be the color of money instead of the color of heart when phone rang. It was Papa on the line, his loving and cheerful self. So, what are you doing today for Valentine’s Day? When Papa asks that question, he usually means what’s the special thing you are going to eat. So, I asked him what Ma made for him and he proudly declared, Mooli ke paranthe but I am expecting more for dinner:-)

Then he went on and on about Ma’s culinary skills, that she tried making Kesari Bhath in Kannadiga style and the experiment was highly successful! I couldn’t believe that 15 days back these guys were arguing about whether their Marriage Anniversary is on Jan 20th or Jan 21st! Maybe they are so much in love that it doesn’t matter when did the ritual of marriage really take place!

Anyways, Papa made my Valentine’s Day super-special. Just before he disconnected, he said, Valentine’s Day is for everyone we love and I love you and I am proud of your independence.

I wish ‘I love…’ would be a more common expression. Even if we would love a stranger who kept the elevator door open for us while we ran towards it, we could say, hey I loved you when you were doing that. But we have chained the expression ‘I love…’ to relationships of one kind. I remember my Ma’s and Papa’s discomfort around three years back when I started saying ‘I love you’ to them whenever I felt like saying it to them. After an year or so, Ma started saying ‘I love you too’ and now they do not wait for me to say ‘I Love You’ so that they can say it too.

Not only have we chained it to a particular kind of relationship, we have also chained it to meanings. I can’t say ‘I loved you when you kept the elevator door open for me’ to a guy because that would mean I am hitting on the guy and I can’t say that to a woman for being taken as a freak!

Ok! I am sure you must be thinking, a ‘Thank you’ is enough in most of the moments. I know its enough. But what I am saying is that how many times, we even do that? Why go about our lives taking all the good manners, all the things that known and unknown people do for us, all the love we receive, and all the people we meet, for granted and not appreciate? One of my friends was sharing with me how hard time he had with his self-expression! Nodding, smiling in a acknowledging way, and other such gestures at public places gave him a natural self-expression that he found not only missing but rather misunderstood at most of the places.

I am not perfect and I am still trying to learn, still trying to find the right words to begin conversations, to be open, just open. But all I know is that since the day I started saying thanks to cabbies, autodrivers and good morning to pantry and security guys in office, my life has become much more easier. I feel comfortable and at home with most of the places. No one is a stranger any more and this Valentine’s Day I am my own Valentine with a promise to be open to love in all its forms.

Wishing me a life where I can express myself with love and responsibility. Wishing everyone, love in the life they choose to live, nothing more, nothing less.